11.11.17

Jokes: "Eyesight"

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Eyesight.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited .
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18.10.17

Humor: "The Army of the Lord"


The Army of the Lord
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
 

16.10.17

Humor: "Labor pain" [16-10-17]

Humor: "Labor pain"

 Labor pain

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

However, as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point, they decided to try for 50%.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

14.10.17

Humor: "Sick Leave" [14-10-17]


Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out..' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'