Jokes: Ears [24-12-17]

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Ears

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
 

Jokes: "Eyesight"

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Eyesight.

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full-length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror, and I see an old woman.

My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, and my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, ... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 at St. Anselm's Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited .
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Crazy jokes [30-10-17]

Humor - jokes [25-10-17]

Humor: "The Army of the Lord"

The Army of the Lord
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A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor." Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
 

Joke - humor [15-10-17]

Humor: "Sick Leave" [14-10-17]

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work, but, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted 'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?'

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, 'You are clearly stressed out..' Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.'

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

'..And where do you think you're going?!'

She said, 'I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark.'

Crazy Jokes [13-10-17]

Humor: "Irish Confessional" [8-10-17]

Irish Confessional

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
  

Jokes: "Letter from Father"

 
Letter from Father 

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read real fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your mom read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we decided to move 30 miles down the road. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it, though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the ain. We haven't seen 'em since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off -- you' ll find 'em in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your momma out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back and drowned -- they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Uncle,

Dad

Crazy Jokes [19-5-17]

Humor - Jokes [16-5-17]

Jokes: "DEA" [25-3-17]

DEA

A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana, and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field over there' as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?'

The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge! Show him your badge!'

Humor: "Spelling" [22-3-17]

Spelling

My son, Mihir, a kindergartener, practices spelling with magnetic letters on the refrigerator: "cat," "dog," "dad," and "mom" have been proudly displayed for all to see.

One morning while getting ready for the day, Mihir bounded into the room with his arms outstretched.

In his hands were three magnetic letters: G-O-D. "Look what I spelled,

Mom!" Mihir exclaimed, a proud smile on his face. "That's wonderful!"

I said. "Now go put them on the fridge so Dad can see when he gets home tonight."

That Christian education is certainly having an impact, I thought, happily. Just then, a little voice called from the kitchen. "Mom? How do you spell 'zilla?'"
 

Jokes: "Bar Sues Church" [20-2-17]

Bar Sues Church

In a small Texas town, a new bar/tavern started building a new place to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign of petitions and prayers to block the bar from opening.

Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground.

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise in its reply to the court.

As the case made its way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork. At the hearing he commented, 'I don't know how I'm going to decide this, as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't.'

Humor - Jokes [17-2-17]

Crazy Jokes [28-1-17]

Jokes: "Mafia Don..." [25-1-17]

Mafia Don...

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls for his grandson to approach his bed.

"Lissin a me, I wanna for you to take my chrome-plated .38 caliber revolver, so you willa always remembera me."

The grandson smiles weakly and replies, "But, grandpa, I really don' alike-a guns, howzabout you leave-a me you ROLEX watch instead?"

Gasping for air the old man answers with a snarl in his voice. "Shuddup an lissin."

"Somma day, you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautiful a wife, lotsa money, a biga house, and maybe a couple of bambinos." After a slight pause to catch his breath, he continues. "Somma day, you gonna comma home, and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man."

"Whadda you gonna do....pointa to you watch and say, "Times up?"

Crazy Jokes [22-1-17]

Crazy Jokes [20-1-17]